A few groaners for the day...

[pfloyd]

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).

Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was:

"A niche in time saves Stein."

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A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.


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The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown were talking about those pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

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Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley accross the river.

"Men," the rancher said to his cowhands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river". So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.

They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite meadow?"

The other hands said, "Sure", and led him just off the riverbank for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley.

He shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up. Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast should have been across the river long ago. "In fact, we've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"

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'Twas the fourteenth of March and Brutus and the boys were discussing their planned political statement for the following day. Cassius the Anorexic wanted to use Greek fire, which had been recently re-invented. Brutus, however, favored the traditional Roman short-sword as the weapon of choice.

He stood and addressed his co-conspirators, "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, Lend me your ears. I come to parry Caesar, not to braise him!"